The pepperoni is a small red animal that lives in isolated rural communities in South Carolina. Few people know that it exists. But we have searched through world archives to find evidence, to show you the truth:
The pepperoni, age 2.
(These pictures are not mine. I had to search through world wide archives to find them.)
Most pepperoni do not live past age 4, because the tender age of 3 1/2 has been determined to be prime pepperoni harvesting time, for juicy, tender red circles.
Most pepperoni live in the wild, hiding in burrows for the first three years, until a human with a shovel digs them out and makes them into sausage.
Some pepperoni are forced to live in captivity, raised for the mere purpose of being EATEN. This is RARE, because the pepperoni have such a cute appearance that most children fall immediately in love with them. Therefore, adults try as hard as possible to keep the existence of the pepperoni secret. Few people outside of South Carolina’s rural communities actually know about the pepperoni’s existence. But we have found photographic evidence. To show you the TRUTH.
A pepperoni in the wild (probably age 3)
Pepperoni in captivity.
A pepperoni being bottle fed. It must be saved, so that it can become delicious sausage.
Pepperoni SAUSAGE.
It has been contested by some, that the pepperoni is not actually a very small animal. In fact, if left free to grow in the wild, it can grow very very LARGE.
Unfortunately, so many pepperoni are captured and manufactured into sausage by humans, that few pepperoni reach this massive stage of strength and joy.
However, we have found in the wold archives, evidence:
The pepperoni at LARGE. (A mature pepperoni, probably age 12)
Fearsome. Very, fearsome. Now you wouldn’t try to take all that sausage, would you?
The truth about the round red meat, from birth to DEATH.
